An Open Letter to the Citizens of Foggy Bottom Imploring Them to Vote Mayor Humdinger Out of Office
Dear Citizens of Foggy Bottom,
It is with a feeling of reticence that I write this letter but I find myself no longer able to sit idly by. So please excuse the bluntness of what I’m about to say, but there’s just no sugarcoating it.
So here it is:
Your Mayor is an asshole.
It’s true. Everybody knows it. And I know there’s that whole “an asshole can really get things done at City Hall, really cut through all the bullshit and red tape” school of thought but, come on, when will the mountain range of evidence to the contrary be taken into account? As season after season things go unchanged, unchecked and the situation gets worse and increasingly dangerous. When will enough be enough?
For one, Mayor Humdinger’s list of mischief, misdeeds, misbehavior and malfeasance is truly frightening and astonishing. Why in the last years alone, he has been guilty of many abhorrent actions, including cheating, vandalism, theft, conspiracy, animal cruelty, brainwashing, forgery and aiding criminal activity. He’s clearly a bad seed. And he’s not alone, having thrust his family upon you in the form of his spoiled brat, asshole-in-training nephew, Harold, and scheming cousin, The Cheetah.
Secondly, though I’ve never visited Foggy Bottom per se, I’m sure it’s a perfectly fine, if not low, foggy, place, maybe a little dank, and you probably deserve much better than the lying, cheating, stealing representative that always cuts a large swathe of destruction and deceit in your name wherever he goes. Every hideous and horrible action undertook a gross affront to the office to which he holds.
Thirdly, doesn’t a single, eccentric, rich, white dude with a rather hazy moral code who wears an indigo-colored top hat all the time and whose only friends seem to be a bunch of crazy cats he calls his Kitten Catastrophe Crew ring some alarm bells? Maybe? Even just a few?
Now I’m sure you’ve heard of the Paw Patrol, Adventure Bay’s own crew of amazeball search and rescue canines. Rocky, Everest, Skye, Rubble. The rest. Yeah, you know the ones. They’re the best, always super helpful, and they also have this pretty impressive and elaborate side hustle goin’ on with toys and other various licensed merchandise. But hey, respect. Hate the game, not the player, right? Anyway, they are always cleaning up your Mayor’s messes or capturing him when he’s been naughty and then they give him chance after chance to redeem himself, to finally man up and take responsibilities for his actions. And does he? No, he continues to rebuke their valiant efforts and laugh haughtily in their faces as he does so.
But what about the old “fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me” proverb you say? Well, the Paw Patrol and their friends, Ryder and mayor of Adventure Bay, Mayor Goodway, all who are frequent victim to Humdinger’s evil machinations, indeed deserve their share of blame for continually letting him back into their lives and opening themselves up to pain. It’s quite frustrating, really, and certainly a sick, twisted co-dependent relationship. But sometimes you can’t see the forest for the trees, I suppose. So that is their cross to bear and we are all planning an intervention to discuss these matters with them directly.
However, yours is a much bigger task. I hear you have an election approaching so let me implore you to do the right thing. You enabled Humdinger and now you need to stop him, at the polls. Peacefully. Don’t be like him, supporting violence and unrest. After all you’re not monsters roaming around in giant robots smashing up stuff and trying to steal Adventure Bay’s buildings which, by the way, is something your Mayor has done, did I mention that?
Clearly this is one of those really rare situations where a wealthy, entitled man-boy with daddy issues bought his way into politics and then aligned with whatever and whomever could advance his selfish motives and then got in over his head and made a bunch of promises he could never possibly want or be able to keep in order to get elected and stay in power. Or maybe it’s all a big misunderstanding and Mayor Humdinger’s a great guy. Really terrific. The best. So smart. So stable.
But I don’t think so.
And remember, if he claims to love you, to hear you, don’t believe it. He’s too selfish to love, too distracted to hear.
So, dear citizens of Foggy Bottom, you know what you have to do.
Sincerely,
A Canadian I mean uh citizen of Adventure Bay yeah
